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Dr Hump Sex Advice PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Friday, 21 December 2007

More questions of a sexual nature answered from Dr Hump.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Your web site really sucks, I think your a fake.

Your nothing but a perverted bitch and what you really need is Jesus, you sick bastard.

Me and my girlfriend are waiting till we get married or that special time before we have sex.

If you talk crazy to me I'll beat your ass, you homosexual, fucked up, perverted, bitch. I expect an answer from your punk ass, if you man enough.

Thanks,

Keaushia Davis.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

I really like to pick flowers in spring time, but flowers in the window don't mean nothing to me, yet at least I've got a fucking grip.

You come round here and give me a load of Barney Rubble because your Christian upbringing has really fucked up your life.

Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a virgin, the reason you don't have sex is because you are a nerd.

You must be a real turn-off if your girlfriend won't even get her quim out for you. Even if you don't penetrate her, she should at least give you a glimpse.

With all my love,

This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Here is my problem. Every time I perform oral sex on my wife she will end up with thrush. Needless to say this has curtailed this endeavour. What would cause this to happen? It only happens with oral sex, all other sex is fine. What can a poor boy do? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Some people think thrush is a beautiful songbird that sings in the morning, yet to me, it's an irritating cunt!

Squirt some organic bio yoghurt up her punani prior to going down on her piss flaps. This should prevent any unwanted fungal developments around her beef curtains.

With all my love,

Dr Hump.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

I have a one-inch cock and when it gets hard it rises to 1 1/2 inches. It's really hard for me to have sex, girls make fun of me and I always cry. Girls can't even get my cock in their mouth, as it is so little. My friends can't even see it from two feet away; help me get a bigger cock.

Thanks,

Mr Pipi.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Ha ha ha, tiny weiner man, it must so embarrassing to have such a puny prick, in fact, you probably have the smallest willy in the world and that is not going to satisfy any girl (or man). I doubt you can even satisfy yourself when you masturbate. Do you use a pair of tweezers?

Don't bother trying to have sex with girls, as we prefer big boys. Only men with small cocks say size doesn't matter.

Your only option is to sign up to one of those e-mails offering to enlarge your one-eyed trouser snake (or maggot in your case) for $$$. I get one of those e-mails everyday and I don't even have a penis to enlarge in the first place (I do have a nice pussy though). If these courses do not work then you'll have to pay a prostitute to fake an orgasm.

With all my love,

This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

My boyfriend is hitting on my ex-boyfriend; it is beginning to scare me because my ex is playing along and I am beginning to think that they are both gay! I have been very horny lately, but my boyfriend won't give it to me unless it is up the butt! What do I do? I want some real pleasure without my ex being involved? I am so confused, please help!

Much love,

Harriet.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

It sounds like you're one of those girls who have a knack of pulling poofters.

Yes, your ex-boyfriend and present boyfriend are almost certainly doing each other behind your back (excuse the pun) whenever they have the chance, as it is a well known fact gay men have a much higher sex drive than straights.

The only way you're going to get sex out of your boyfriend is to propose a threesome with your ex and learn to take it up the bum hole; you may have to buy some KY, however, your boyfriend probably has some already.

If they're not showing that much interest in you during the orgy then maybe a fake beard and a strap-on todger will increase your chances, but I wouldn't count on it as your boyfriend is much more interested in your ex's manhood than anything you have to offer. Have you ever thought about getting your own back by becoming a lesbian and sleeping with as many other women as possible?

With all my love,

Dr Hump.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

I like your web page and all your crappy friends writing to you about their crappy lives. I really enjoy your crazy answers too, but this time I seem to be in need of some really good and extraordinary advice.

My anus is very yucky and I have a bad feeling about it, since the gap between my anus hole and my balls has a very bad rash. I already tried to put some chocolate cream and peanut butter on it, but it didn't help at all. Please let me know, what I can do to make the pain in the ass stop.

Thanks in advance,

Carl-von-Ossietzky-Gymnasium.
P.S. Most of the people writing to you seem to be a pain in the ass as well, so I think that we are some kind of brothers, who have to go through similar shit.

Dear Carl-von-Ossietzky-Gymnasium,

Thank you for you kind words and sharing with me the story of your yucky anus. It was just what I needed to read after a heavy weekend of alcohol and drug abuse.

Sounds like you do have a problem downstairs around the backdoor and I don't believe putting chocolate cream and peanut butter on it will help your tender fraenum.

Shove some opium up your sphincter to ease the pain; if the problem persists, don't tell anyone about it and hope it goes away.

With all my love,

Dr Hump.
P.S. Brother?

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

A boy touched me everywhere one day. Then the next day I fell in love with him. Now he won't talk to me or say hi. He would only look at me or sometimes smiles at me. Does he have the same feelings to me? Does he love me? I touched him too. What should I do?

Was it my or his mistake? I need help and advice!

Thanks,

Marlene.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Perhaps he was pissed at the time and you're a right minger. Stick with the ugly ones in future, as at least they won't reject you the next day when they are sober.

With all my love,

Dr Hump.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Am red-hot Jam Gorilla crasher or basher with the particular problem: Quantum Leap phallus. It plays excited tricks on me as it goes around his business.

Every Monday I can find it in the usual place but on Tuesday it's my breast pocket where it loiters. On Wednesdays it occupies my sleeve but am not sure. However, could bank on Thursdays back pocket appearance. Fridays and weekend it fades away and pops in at wish.

Can you help or perhaps I shall seek advice of parallel Dr Hemp?

Thanks,

Jam.
P.S. Love the site; am running underground clubbing mag in London, wanna send it to you?

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

If this is a spirit guide helping you then lucky you; have a good one. If it is a demon trying to posses you then try to banish it.

If it's just your penis then I guess you have no choice in the matter. Your best bet is to take some bromide and listen to some Cliff Richard records.

With all my love,

Dr Hump.
P.S. Where's the magazine you promised?

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

I really wanna have sex but I'm too young to. I'm really horny and I even hump my finger. What should I do?

Thanks,

Stacey.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Borrow some of your mother's or older sister's make-up, dress up in your school uniform and hang out in the town centre around pub closing time.

I'm sure some kindly middle-aged man will gladly help you to lose your virginity. In fact, he might be so kind as to give you some money afterwards. Make sure you let him know you're a virgin before the event and he may even offer you a few hundred quid.

With all my love,

Dr Hump.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

I'm a young man in my early twenties. For a couple of years now I've been eating my girlfriend's shit - it's very tasty (she tells me it's good for me). But I get these weird little red blisters in my mouth and on my tongue and my colleagues keep complaining that I smell like rotten meat out of my mouth. Please help me. Don't just write that I should stop eating shit because I can't.

Regards,

Joachim.

Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ,

Bloody hell, I don't half get some depraved letters from sick fucks out there, but yours really does take the spunky biscuit.

Keep gobbling it down as fast as you can and ask your real doctor for advice about any side-affects.

As for the halitosis, I suggest you get your girlfriend to piss directly into your mouth and gargle, as I doubt even Extra Strong Mints would disguise your shitty breath.

With all my love,

Dr Hump.

 
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